Where intelligence gives way to madness.
Among the greatest of man’s achievements has been the development of language, which has allowed us to communicate with one another. The spoken word has connected us as a world and given us the ability to collaborate on ideas to make great strides in our intellectual development. The unfortunate side effect is that morons were also allowed the opportunity to talk and through this obvious misallocation of generosity, stupidity has continued to spread.
Now there is stupidity, and then there are phrases that have never added anything positive to any situation ever. These are phrases that are so ridiculously useless that to utter one of them instantly classifies a person into a lesser category of creature, no longer worthy of being a part of the human race. There is not a place in Hell hot enough for the people who consciously chose to subjugate the world to their word vomit. From here on out the following phrases will be rewarded with that person being escorted out in front of oncoming traffic.
Natural selection in action.
“You Only Live Once”… in 99.9999% of situations
Now I know this seems like a softball, and it is as popular as booing Nickelback, but some things cannot be overstated. With that in mind, we will get this one out of the way because it has to be done. I hate this phrase, plain and simple. The only thing that is worse is the verbal abortion of logical thought that is the acronym that has caught on in our fine society. Fuck you, YOLO. While I will concede that the phrase itself can be a motivating factor for when you are standing at the edge of a large life decision and need that extra nudge to go after that promotion, the application of YOLO into everyday life is where it all takes a turn for the moronic.
You Only Live Once is something that a Magic 8 Ball would tell you, not something a functioning brain would register as rational thought. “It’s Tuesday and I have work tomorrow, should I really go out? YOLO!!” No, you have work tomorrow dumbass, don’t blame a hangover and an unproductive day at work on you only living once. “I have heard rumors, should I really sleep with them? Hmm, I think I’m going to because well… YOLO!!” Have at it kids, but remember… YOCHIVO. See, I can come up with catchy acronyms too. So go ahead, live loosely and justify it because your life might be coming to an end at any moment, but as I just warned you, You Only Contract HIV Once. Get your shit together and stop saying YOLO already, because while it may be true you only live once, it is also true that you only die once too.
At least save the Princess first.
If you want to go out and drink on a Tuesday, have at it. I will most likely be the guy with a beer at the bar stool next to you. Instead of YOLO, rationalize it by being mature and justifying it in a normal way and telling me that you are drinking because, “Kiss my ass I am an adult. That’s why.” I assure you, you will be respected a whole lot more for it. I beg of you though, please do not wake up saying…
“I’m Never Drinking Again”… following binge drinking
I will be the first to admit that I have said this before and I assure you it was an absolute lie. I drank myself into a useless state and was suffering through the consequences and off handedly said that because I had seen Eurotrip one too many times and thought I was funny. The fact of the matter is, I fully intended on getting back after it. Instead of the lie of never drinking again, suck it up and say what is truly going on in your head, “John Jameson raped Accounting 201 straight out of my memory bank.”
Balance sheets never stood a chance.
The trivialization of the saying creates an environment where those who are truly trying to get clean are scoffed at because drunks like me cheapen the phrase. If one of your friends told you they were never drinking again your initial response is probably going to be laughing at them and throwing them a beer. Being able to allow them to openly express their need to give up the bottle is a large step in their road to recovery.
So for the rest of us, let’s just continue to get creative in the way we express how stupid we were for the amount we consumed the night before. Besides, you would never really give up your favorite weekend activity just because it lead you to the same result it always does. You have come to enjoy your days on the couch in the dark recounting the debauchery that ensued the night before. Hangovers will pass and you will be able to deal with like you always have countless times before. I fully believe in you. Besides it could always be worse. Which brings me to another point…
“It Could Be Worse”
There may not be an emptier phrase to say to someone than that it could be worse. No shit it could be worse. I was fully under the understanding that my current situation is not the bottom of the barrel of things life could throw at me, that does not make it suck any less. Sure we laugh certain things off with the realization that, “At least I didn’t lose my debit card AND my credit card.” That is a coping mechanism, but no one has ever benefited from hearing someone else tell them that what just happened was not the worst possible situation.
At least you didn’t get robbed AND hit by a car!
While I understand there is not always something better to say, try saying nothing at all. You will find silence goes a whole lot farther than pissing someone off by suggesting that they should feel fortunate to have not been completely shit on by life. Sometimes people just need to hear, “Man, that sucks.” This is enough to move past a situation, rather than to dwell on how “good” we have it for not getting the worst possible outcome.
The one exception to the rule may possibly be if you are a baseball fan who is not a Cubs fan. At least in this situation, some people get some satisfaction of not being one of the most pitiful people on the whole planet. As Cubs fans, we have been through a shit ton, and there really is no justification for the misery we self inflict upon ourselves. In that case, someone might feel better about hearing that they are not one of our sorry kind.
You deserve to get rained on you pathetic bastard.
Although that is no excuse for…
“Those were the days”… ESPECIALLY Cubs fans
I don’t think there is a more confusing saying than hearing a Cubs fan longingly refer to the past. Unless you are 115 years old, you don’t know what good days are. I was in a bar recently and heard two middle aged men talking about old times with the Cubs, when they were growing up, and said, “Man, those were the days weren’t they?” No. They were not. They were just as horrifically heartbreaking as today. Stop trying to make yourself feel better, guy.
1907 – 1908 back to back World Series Champs!
Beyond the ranting of Cubs fans, anyone else using this saying are often forgetting the awful parts that went along with the time they are referring to. Most people going through high school and college typically were really excited to get to the next steps in life because of the drama and problems that came with that age. Years later, people will remark that those were great days. While they may look good now, that is only because you are thinking of the good memories and the fun that was associated with them. Given the chance 95% of people would not go back for an extended stay after they were reminded why they were is such a hurry to leave that time in their lives in the first place.
Just because you have forgotten or repressed the shitty things that went along with that time of your life does not mean they were any better than they really were. You are probably looking to get to the next step of your life right now as well, and will longingly look back in ten years at where you are currently. Accept that each stage has its ups and downs and enjoy them in the moment, for when you look back you are only going to be looking through a highly skewed lens.
Ah… to go back to simpler times.
You are all intelligent and witty people with 220,000 words at your disposal. Let’s get creative and come up with other things to say that bring more to a conversation. I mean it seems like the right thing to do anyways, because ya know, YOLO.
Don’t worry… I’ll show myself the way.
Awesome – you make me laugh!
Haha thank you! You’re too kind.