Musings of the Certifiable

Where intelligence gives way to madness.

A Guy’s Perspective: 4 Reasons Women Really Go to the Bathroom in Groups

As a member of the male gender, I can confidently say that there are many things about women that confuse me.  I feel I have enough of a grasp about what goes on in the female mind to say, with extreme confidence, that I know absolutely nothing about women and their habits.  A prime example of this lack of understanding comes from the time honored tradition of tag teaming trips to the bathroom.  I am not certain as to why this occurs, but I will apply all of my scientific research in the field of Ladyology to try and figure out what makes this essential to the life of a woman embarking on a trip to the powder room.

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For science!

To Have a Real Conversation

Society has long since accepted that women talk about shoes, matching accessories, and how big of a bitch that Regina is.  This has just become the social norm, so us dudes just accept it and nod politely pretending to know what the shit a d’Orsay pump is.  I am here to say that I sincerely believe that is all an act.  That is where these group trips come in.

I know full well that you saw that beautiful spiral Jay Cutler squeezed in between two defenders on that slant to Brandon Marshall too.  It is not a coincidence that you grabbed your girls and went to the bathroom shortly afterwards to go discuss his brilliant dissection of that Cover 2.  You don’t have to hide it anymore ladies, I know you are in the bathroom talking about it.

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He made that DB look like a bitch!

I am calling you out now.  You do not have to hide it any longer in the name of being ladylike.  If you want to tell your dirty jokes, you can do it in front of us instead of sneaking off to have your versions of “dude time”.  Quit making us feel guilty about topics like Mario Kart, how awesome Southpark is, and our masturbation habits.  I am putting you on front street right now.  I know that’s what you are disappearing off to talk about as well.

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You are right ladies, Trey Parker IS a genius.

Lifeguard On Duty

The practice known as The Buddy System has been long thought of as the most effective way to prevent tragic endings.  It is my expert opinion that women have employed this strategy as a serious life saving technique when it comes to the trip to the bathroom.  The toilet is a dangerous foe, that you ladies recognize for its life threatening intentions and you will be damned if you let that porcelain bitch be your demise.

That is where The Buddy System comes in.  One woman thought to herself, “Now what would happen to me if I were to fall in?”  The logical response was to have a lifeguard on duty, and since Lars was busy at Heavyweights camp, bringing a friend became the solution.

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Look before you sit!

It is reported that 537 women are saved each year by having a friend there to jump in at the moment of crisis. (Citation Needed). It was a routine born out of necessity.  The important thing is to be aware of the dangers you are up against, and let’s face it, you’re just not going to wear a life jacket out to the bar.

J.K. Rowling Terrified You

Harry Potter has brought entertainment and enjoyment to millions of people across the globe and J.K. Rowling can be forever thanked for her contribution to the literary world.  The seven books teach of friendship, being true to what is right, and the social outcast society makes you for not having a nose.  That being said, she made the trip to the bathroom more terrifying than any rumor about alligators in the sewer system ever could.

In the fall of her first year, Hermoine was taking refuge in the girl’s bathroom as people who are seeking time to themselves might do.  Then there is an announcement that there is a troll in the dungeon and everyone freaks out.  No one flips more shit than Hermoine because she is in the bathroom when this oversized, nondiscrete son of a bitch comes to take a look.  Hermoine is just trying to get some time to herself while dealing with a call from nature, and suddenly she finds herself having to bitch slap a troll around just to get some toilet paper.

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She only asked for a square you selfish pervert.

A year later, just as Hermoine is getting over her phobia, another atrocity comes to light.  Moaning Myrtle who is the ghost that haunts the bathroom, which is creepy as shit in its own right, is found out to have died in the bathroom.  If she slipped and fell or overdosed doing lines of blow, then it would be more understandable and easily written off.  No, this unfortunate soul was murdered by a giant snake while just trying to catch up on Seventeen.  That sure puts into perspective the previous mention of alligators in the sewers.  To be fair, I’d probably be rolling eight deep before I went to take a piss in public too if these are the shenanigans going on in the girl’s bathroom.

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All clear, ladies.

Making Fun of Me

That’s what you are really doing isn’t it?  ISN’T IT?!?  No really, you can admit it.  I have high enough self esteem where I can handle a blow to my ego.  You know what, I don’t care anyways if that is what you are really doing in there.  It doesn’t bother me at all, I was just kidding with you.  Ha, got ya!  But really, you are aren’t you?  It is the sweater isn’t it?  You resent the shit out of it and you just HAD to drag your girls to the bathroom to call attention to my toolish attire.  Fine then, it is what it is, it doesn’t bother me I promise.

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But seriously, how could they possibly hate the argyle?

I’m just kidding ladies, I know you’re just doing normal things and it has nothing to do with making jokes at my expense.

Right?

Right?!?

Oh… well fuck.

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2 comments on “A Guy’s Perspective: 4 Reasons Women Really Go to the Bathroom in Groups

  1. Brown Nipple Eve
    February 7, 2013

    Hahaha CORRECT! There could legit be a ghost in the toilet! But most of the time, yes, it is to have some private girl talk about you guys while we fix up our makeup. Girl talk examples: “I am so sick of getting hit on by fucking losers! Why the shit do YOU get the hot ones?!”, “Save me from that creep, PLEASE!!!”, “Do I look fine or do I need to hoe it up a little bit more?”, “So I’m thinking of going home with this guy. Are you OK with being left alone with his friend?” etc. We need our girl time. Lol

    • Geoff
      February 7, 2013

      Haha thank you so much for this response. I like your answers way more than my own. As it often is in life, the truth far exceeds fiction in entertainment value.

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This entry was posted on September 17, 2012 by in Categories and tagged , , , , , , .

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Geoff

Geoff

I am a 28 year old recovering optimist who calls Chicago home. Your mom would like me.

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