Musings of the Certifiable

Where intelligence gives way to madness.

5 Reasons You Are Really Still A Child

In the natural progression of life, we go through stages that define which role we are to be playing at any given time.  Outside of the Benjamin Button nonsensery, everyone else tends to follow the established norms of being a young shithead who splits their head open falling off of a pool, into something actually useful to society.


Like Batman!

Somewhere along the way you looked up and realized that the world actually accepted you as a contributing member to our civilization and now you feel like an honest to God adult.  Enjoy the moment for a split second longer because we are about to undress that entire notion that you left your childhood in the past.  Why?  Because I hate fun and you seem like you are having some right now.

You are Irrationally Impatient

Let’s just put this out there.  Taking a kid anywhere sucks.  The minute you leave they are asking if the trip is over yet, when they can go home, or why they had to come with in the first place.  All in all it is a pretty annoying situation, but you chose to have kids and they do some other funny stuff, so in the end you just deal with it and move on.


Coping 101.  This is your future son.

You know who doesn’t want to put up with this though?  Your coworkers, friends, and cab drivers.  “Ugh!  Is it 5:00 yet?” –For fuck’s sake, Kyle!  “Buuuut whyyyyy can’t it be Friday already?” –Shut your cock holster, Janice!    “This meeting doesn’t even apply to me!  Why are they making ME sit in on this?!” –DIE IN A FIERY SHOWER OF ASS CANCER, RICK!  Good times for everyone all around.

Then when you finally get into the cab after work to go grab a drink with your buddy, he does the adult version of “Are we there yet?” so many times by consistently refreshing his GPS and sighing, that you realize you are starting to question the legitimacy of your maturity and that you should begin looking into reinstituting nap time.


I’m told the Tax Season experiments have returned favorable results.


One of the most basic instincts for children seems to be being protective of everything they deem to be their possession.  Every children’s television show always has a focus on sharing and making sure the important message of not hoarding everything like a dick is instilled in kids.

With the exception of the worst people in society, most everyone becomes a rational human being and realizes that they have to share.  There is one facet of life that immediately causes a relapse into being in Kindergarten all over again.  That would be relationships that end because of negligent person.


Wait!  Now I DO want the truck!

That’s right friends.  You know exactly what I’m talking about.  You didn’t have any interest in playing trucks anymore until someone else showed some interest in being a fireman.  Then Hell breaks loose, “I made a mistake.” texts are sent, and you run back to what was once discarded because you will be damned if someone else gets to play with YOUR truck.

This “Mine!” mentality leads to the same ending each time.  Whose relationship will never be the same since it’s obviously built on desperation and jealousy?  MINE!  Whose friends are going to shake their heads and judge?  MINE!  And whose fault is all of this?!?


Source: Fox News.

You Still Watch Cartoons

Cartoons were the staple of your television viewing as a youngster.  When you got home and finally turned on the TV you know you were absolutely amped to check in and see what was up with Tommy Pickles, Scooby Doo, or Goku.  One of those three hit home for you.  You know you were obsessed then and you know you still love watching oddly colored creatures live in a world of their own fantasies today as well.



But really, between Adventure Time, Archer, Southpark, Family Guy, and every Pixar movie, you know it is borderline unhealthy how much time your TV is spent on animated entertainment.  Facts are facts.  Some things never change.  Might as well just embrace this one and admit you still relate to cartoons.


We’ll get a Princess, Ice King.  We’ll get one, buddy.

You Have No Business Dressing Yourself

Growing up, one of the bigger feelings of accomplishment was when you dressed yourself and your parents deemed it acceptable.  For much of your life they dressed you because you tried going outside in winter in a tank top and shorts and that was just not going to be appropriate or because you put some outfit together that just looked like your closet exploded onto you.  Your parents had to take some pride in what your look reflected on them.


I’ve never looked half as good since.

Nowadays you wake up each morning and decide what to throw on to be socially acceptable.  More times than not, I’m sure you manage to throw something together that society gives a nod of approval to, but there are times that you get a wild hair up your ass and what that yields is pure anarchy.  That’s when your mother stares at you and dies a little inside muttering, “Oh Geoff.  Oh Geoff, why?” until the pain subsides.


Evidence as to why a mother’s love has to be unconditional.  Love you too, Mom!

You Still Have Hopes and Dreams

Kids take a cardboard box and become astronauts.  You see a couch and a blanket, they see themselves as Sir Kickass hailing from the Castle of Badassery.  The imagination of a child allows them to dream that they can be anything, and that they can do anything.

That’s actually not a bad thing at all.  In the end, maybe still being a child isn’t the worst thing in the world.  After all we are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.  Never give that one up, ever.


Willy Wonka accounts for 83% of my philosophies on life.

Dream big kids.

2 comments on “5 Reasons You Are Really Still A Child

  1. Jenn
    February 4, 2014

    I’m willing to bet that more females (besides your dear Mama) have asked you that very same question, “Oh Geoff. Oh Geoff, why?”….

    • Geoff
      February 4, 2014

      You wouldn’t be wrong in that assessment, Jenn.

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I am a 28 year old recovering optimist who calls Chicago home. Your mom would like me.

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