Where intelligence gives way to madness.
We often credit our family, friends, and mentors as the guiding lights in our path on this crazy life ride we’re making our collective way through. And I’m sure I could write at length about those touching stories of learning morality and valuable life skills from loving people in our lives, but what say you that we just get the focus where it really matters? You know, onto REAL life lessons from parent Hollywood.
Great life lessons. Terrible t-ball game attendance track record.
The silver screen has a unique ability to throw completely fictionalized nonsense on and still manage to alter your life in ways you could never have imagined it would. I could have been a rocket scientist if Hollywood, or my gpa, hadn’t held me back. Damn it Hollywood!
But really, it’s amazing to look back and notice those exact movie moments that made such an impact upon your life. The ones that would forever change you.
The Stampede Scene- The Lion King
1994 was a year that can be classified into my discovery years. I was still young enough where the whole world was full of wonderment and new and exciting opportunities. I wanted to learn. I wanted to know. What did life have in store for this little wonderer? Who knows. The sky was the limit. Shoot for the stars, kid.
Then, it happened. You always remember the day your heart broke for the first time. And mine broke to the deafening sounds of my own screams of “NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Why? Where did all the light in the world go? What is this dark place I live in now?! Damn it Disney, I’m 7! You can’t do this to me. You know what? Fuck this!” Yeah. The day the swearing truly started. Surprised I didn’t rip a line and light a cigarette that day too.
I hope you’re happy with what you did to me Disney.
“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird” – The Notebook
After overcoming the traumatizing death of Mufasa and moving on with my life, I started to gain some confidence back. Hell, I even started talking to girls too in the years that followed. Obviously that stage of life is awkward and I assure you I raised that up to an art form, but somehow I made it to the point where I wasn’t completely appalling to the breeders of our kind. Things were going to be ok after all!
That’s when Sparks dropped this asshattery on us. Nope. Not ok. I can’t ever be Noah Calhoun, ya dick! I’m now compared to this at every turn. The collective swoon of the world’s women caused a tsunami of flooded basements that left guys scrambling for mop up duty. Goodbye whatever points we had earned, we had a new bar to chase. “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”?!? Fuck – that’s brilliant, Noah. I can’t beat that. How can I be a bird?!? You forced my hand. Fine – I choose Bald Eagle. That’s right ladies. Come get you some Freedom.
Never. Not. Free.
“Soooo pathetic “– Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Riding high on this recently found sense of God given American freedom, I was empowered. There was nothing I felt I couldn’t do. The Sun was shining on my face and it was going to be a good day. And that’s when I met her. Figured I was just going to watch some quirky Michael Cera movie and then his movie sister showed up on screen.
Life slowed down. I fell, and I fell hard. I was in love! I was in love and I didn’t care who knew it! But Anna never felt the same way for me. *sighs* The second big heartbreak in my life. And just like that, I was 7 years old and lost in the world again. Sooo pathetic.
“Goals” – Dodgeball
Anna sent me into a deep, dark spiral. I didn’t know who I was. I was broken. I needed a new life motto. That’s when Vince Vaughn took me aside and taught me the secret to life. He had it figured out and he wanted me to come along with him on the route to end heartbreak forever. You win Vince. I’m with ya buddy.
Shut it off. That’s perfect. If I don’t try for anything, I can’t fall short. It’s so simple, I almost missed the boat on this one. You’re absolutely right, buddy. I, in fact, DO feel phenomenal never being disappointed. Success! Gonna be happy forever with this mentality!
My sweet dick, it’s magic!
“Coffee is for closers.” – Glengarry Glen Ross
So there I was, making my way through the world absolutely bulletproof. Nothing could get to me now. But that’s certainly no way to spend a lifetime. That’s when Alec Baldwin found me and told me what I absolutely needed to hear. He told me that my existence was worthless.
The beauty of this scene is two people will see this scene and think two completely different things. As it has been explained before, there is tremendous power within this scene to separate people. One person gets pissed off and shuts down inside because someone is yelling at them and telling them they’re complete shit. Another person listens to this and thinks only, “HOLY FUCK I NEED TO SELL SOMETHING TO SOMEONE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!”
Motivated doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt following listening to this for the first time. Mufasa didn’t matter. Ryan Gosling didn’t matter. Heartbreak and all the other shit that came along with it didn’t matter. (Anna – you will ALWAYS still matter.) You absolutely have to want something in this life, and you have to want to go get it.
TONIGHT WE DINE SOMEWHERE FANCY!!!!!
Or, ya know, go through the motions and wait for Baldwin to find your ass.
He will eventually.