4 Shows The History Channel Needs Right Now
The History Channel came into existence as a history buff’s paradise to immerse themselves in old things that didn’t involve appraising antiques. I was pumped. I absolutely love that shit. Louisiana Purchase? Seward’s Folly? San Juan Hill? Mmmm that’s right History, talk dirty to me.
How History 112 looked through my eyes.
Since then, it has gone the way of MTV. The original mission statement has no relevancy anymore as they have instead sold their souls to the ratings devil and green lit things like Ancient Aliens. I see their point as I’m not even ashamed to admit that I have an unhealthy obsession with that show. Giorgio Tsoukalos had me from the beginning. We’re talking straight up hook, line, sinker situation. It was around that time, however, that I realized that I wanted hard facts completely gone from History Channel entirely.
I mean at this point, fuck it. It’s time to give the people what they want HC. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this and I present to you, the new Wednesday night lineup…
Chupaca-Bros
There are already shows about hunting Squatches and the other kinds of nonsensery out there. Well it’s time to pay el Chupacabra its due respect. Since the market is already pretty much cornered with regards to backwoods people chasing shadows, it’s obvious that you just get some Sigma Chis out there changing the supernatural discovery game. It can’t be that hard to find a couple of dudes who drunkenly spout off about local legends and get a raging hard on for el Chupacabra. I’m looking at you University of Texas-San Antonio.
I would seriously pay any amount of money to see two drunk fucks in bro tanks, speaking broken Spanglish to rocks and trees, hoping to get answers to the whereabouts of el Chupacabra’s location. Hell, I would pay even more money to BE the drunk fuck out there making traps out of Keystone and shit.
Here Chuppy Chuppy Chuppy!
Historic Confessions
Since it’s already established protocol via Ancient Aliens to take the truth and stretch it as far as humanly possible, I say we just run with it. Drunk History has already nailed the method of retelling stories, so we might as well take that strategy but with subject matter experts dressed in costume. It will basically be like anytime your dad gets drunk and starts claiming that he invented the dollar bill method of snorting coke. I mean you always know it is probably based on a little bit of truth, but at the end of the day he’s probably full of shit.
There is no way I would miss an episode of Taxicab Confessions mixed together with Drunk History. Just Sacagawea talking about Clark having a baby dick while spreading his seed throughout the land and thus being responsible for a small dick offspring epidemic. Or you get George Washington admitting to taking Charles Cornwallis’ wife to Poundtown back in the day and later getting drunk in a bar and talking shit to Cornwallis about it and finding out that’s really probably how the Revolutionary War started.
And I said to him, “Thy wench twas that of a cod three days removed from the river!”
Real World: Boston [Tea Party]
The story of what happens when seven traitors to the Crown stop being polite, and start being real. Who wouldn’t want to see the obviously fratty escapades that took place prior to the Colonists’ uprising? I have to imagine it was really just a three day bender that led to dressing up like Indians and causing destruction to property. This is what I observed in college to be referred to as “Saturday”.
How! Is this not a great idea guys?!?
There is a very real chance that I am just projecting my own alcoholism onto the founders of the United States, but either way the more I drink, the better this idea gets in my head. You all may not want to watch a retelling of the founding of the country via Animal House shenanigans, but I would be a six pack deep every week tuning in to enjoy the Hell out of learning the truth about how they acted day to day living in a house together. I have to believe that the Congressional Congresses were merely originally meant for excuses to have a bro show. Maybe I’m wrong, but fuck me if it wouldn’t make great television.
Hey NBC, there’s still time to get in on the ground floor.
Clone High
FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY, BRING CLONE HIGH BACK. If you do nothing else with the ratings panty droppers listed above, at least put Clone High back on. The show was brilliant and hilarious and like many other things, gone too soon. Realistically, was it any less informative than Ancient Aliens? Probably not. Granted they never had the hair that Giorgio puts out there, but they flipped the pool and isn’t that enough for you?
In all reality, I’m just an old drunk that’s feeling nostalgic for the greatness that was this show.
Think long and hard about it History Channel. In the meantime, leave me alone and quit judging me, I’m watching reruns.
I miss you, Mr. Butlertron.
Musings of the Certifiable 