Musings of the Certifiable

Where intelligence gives way to madness.

7 Songs I Will Gladly Lose My Man Card Over

Music is one of the few things in life that we all incorporate into our daily lives.  That is exactly as far as the similarities go.  Immediately afterwards, we branch off into separate camps based on what is pleasing to our individual perception of what good music is.  Regardless of the fact that we all have different tastes, and for the most part people truly are understanding that no one likes the same music, there are still songs that make you look at a guy and say, “Dude, what in the fuck are you listening to?!”

On the surface most guys will refuse to admit they like the things that are man card revoking type songs, but deep down we all have certain songs that we love.  And I’m not talking about Cher Lloyd or Miley Cyrus.  Those are songs that grab the whole world and don’t let go based on modern popularity.  I’m talking about the songs that if you were alone in your room and someone walked in, you would have preferred they would have just caught you masturbating and spared you the shame of being caught listening to these.

Image

No, I was… uh… jacking it?

There are some songs that I am just not going to be ashamed of anymore.  At this point I’m perfectly fine handing over my man card and continuing on with what I was doing.  Tell you what, you can have my man card for songs like…

Always Be My Baby – Mariah Carey

Really Geoff?  You’re rocking out to Always Be My Baby?  Um… do do do do da DUH!  If you can put this song on and not instantly get that feel good going on, then you might be dead inside.   Like many of these other songs I could try and hide behind the “I grew up with a sister!” defense, but  that’d be doing Mariah an injustice.  When Mariah Carey lays down a track like this, you either get on board or get out of the way.  Me?  I’m on board 100%.  You will always be a part of me.

Appropriate amount of shame for having this heard coming out of your room

7 out of 10.  I mean, even though it’s Mariah, you still have to realize that you are getting caught blasting Mariah Carey.  This isn’t Heartbreaker,  Jay Z isn’t coming to save you this time.

Appropriate amount of shame being walked in on listening to this song

5 out of 10.  It’s a bit of a slow jam.  Worst case is they caught you doing a few moves swaying side to side basically looking like the background guys of The Temptations.   Keep doing you bro, I’m not going to stop you.

It’s All Coming Back To Me Now – Celine Dion

I know.  She’s Canadian, she sang that song from Titanic, and is about as far from rocking out a dude can get, but pay your damn respects.  It’s All Coming Back To Me Now is six minutes of epic storytelling through music that is typically reserved for a Meatloaf ballad.  You are on board with Meatloaf, but not Celine?  Not on my watch.  It doesn’t rock?  Ha!  How about that guitar riff in the chorus?  Hardcore.  Your claims of not loving this song are empty threats and hollow lies.  Nothing more.

Appropriate amount of shame for having this heard coming out of your room

9 out of 10.  If you get caught listening to this it is pretty much game over.  As much as I try and defend it, it’s still a love ballad by Celine Dion.  Nothing I can do about that one.  Pretty open and shut case right there.

Appropriate amount of shame being walked in on listening to this song

6 out of 10.  All that is going to happen is they will walk into your dark room with you sobbing.  Just a dude crying in the corner.  Nothing to see here folks, move along now.

Hold on – Wilson Phillips

Long before there was Bridesmaids, there was karaoke.  You know you hear those opening chords and know that a good time is going to follow.  It is a riveting pick me up when you need it most.  Wilson reaches deep down inside of you to let you know that she understands that there is pain, but also that she refuses to let you lock yourself up in those chains.  So consider what she is saying next time you go to judge this.  Don’t you think it’s about time to change your mind?

Appropriate amount of shame for having this heard coming out of your room

4 out of 10.  This one has gained popularity in recent years, so you aren’t going to get as much backlash for it.  At the end of the day though, it’s still Wilson hugging you in form of song because you are such a sad son of a bitch.  Maybe it’s time to find a manlier outlet.

Appropriate amount of shame being walked in on listening to this song

9 out of 10.  The shameful things you do to this song would be an abomination if seen by the public, and you know it.  There is not a person in this world that doesn’t have a karaoke routine already prepared for this song for when their moment comes calling.  Keep dreaming that dream, I’m not going to hate you for it.

A Thousand Miles – Vanessa Carlton

That piano intro.  Enough said.  Is there a more recognizable song intro this side of Baby Got Back?  Definitely not one that puts a crazy man’s grin on your face faster than Vanessa does.  And to you Vanessa,  I would walk a thousand miles to listen to you play that intro alone.  There is just something about a cute girl banging on the keys that makes any song ok.  Looks aside,  it is a song that focuses on the piano and that is just something that’s too good to pass up on.  No more proof is necessary than the simple fact that you have that infectious intro still stuck in your head.  You’re welcome.

Appropriate amount of shame for having this heard coming out of your room

3 out of 10.  Again, this is another one that got serious radio play so you won’t get too many insanely crazy looks for it.  You are blasting a cute piano player’s song about being insanely needy though and that does come at a little bit of a cost.

Appropriate amount of shame being walked in on listening to this song

9 out of 10.  You were playing the air piano.  You have no idea how to actually play a piano, but you know you were still going all out on it.  Eyes were closed.  Head was thrown back in pure joy.  You were having an air piano orgasm.  There’s no coming back from that.

I Wanna Dance With Somebody – Whitney Houston

I WANNA FEEL THE HEAT WITH SOMEBODYYYY.  There’s not much I need to say about this one.  It’s a jam.  There is no denying that.  Whitney is just out there in the world in a jubilant tone telling everyone that she’s looking for love.  The shit is catchy and you can’t help but feel good about being a world where this song is on.  I’m not giving two shits that she’s lonely and looking for love.  It’s late night Tinder to music and who isn’t on board with that kind of message.  Go get it, Whitney.  I got you.

Appropriate amount of shame for having this heard coming out of your room

8 out of 10.  Listen to the lyrics.  You’re screaming out about needing a man to sooth the loneliness in your loins.  There is nothing but odd looks coming your way with people assuming you’re behind that door with a hairbrush doing clapping dance moves, while spinning.

Appropriate amount of shame being walked in on listening to this song

8 out of 10.   That is exactly what you’re doing.  And when the night falls, there is no getting away from that.  You are going to be right back to square one with that whole loneliness thing.

I’ll Make Love To You – Boyz II Men

Oh yes.  We are going there.  If you were alive in 1994 when Boyz II Men graced us with this gem of a song, you know you love it and you know it loves you back.  There’s an even better chance that if you were born in 1995 that this song had something to do with that.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about go ahead and ask your parents, I’ll wait.  This song is all about a man being a man and treating his woman the exact way she always wanted to be treated.  Game.  Blouses.

Appropriate amount of shame for having this heard coming out of your room

10 out of 10.  I don’t care how awesome Boyz II Men are.  I don’t care that they harmonize like bosses.  I really just need you to look in the mirror and ask yourself what you’d think if you knew a dude was in his room blasting I’ll Make Love To You alone.  There’s no way around that awkwardness.

Appropriate amount of shame being walked in on listening to this song

10 out of 10.  Worst case scenario you’re alone and you have no explanation.  Best case scenario you’re going to pound town and people learn that you stole your dad’s bang playlist.  Better to keep that one in the headphones only.

What’s Up – 4 Non Blondes

AND I SAID… well you know the rest.  There is no way that you have a pulse and don’t know this song.  You know the lyrics.  You know the chorus.  You love the chorus.  You scream out the chorus.  That’s just a fact.  Don’t lie to me, I know better.  And they made it into a stellar Jock Jams remix.  That right there is the damn near definition of a banger.

Appropriate amount of shame for having this heard coming out of your room

4 out of 10.  But only if it is the Jock Jams version.  Otherwise you’re probably staring down a hard 8.  It’s like the female anthem.  There is just no getting around that no matter how hard you rock out to it.

Appropriate amount of shame being walked in on listening to this song

10 out of 10.  See above.  Female anthem.  There is nothing you are doing behind closed doors that you are even remotely proud of.  I won’t even get into details.  You already know what you do.

Now I know what I wrote above completely incriminates me on multiple accounts.  I just don’t care.  Put these songs into a playlist and I am going to have one Hell of a pregame sesh.  If there is somehow still a question as to whether or not I will absolutely own them while they are on then you have not been here long.  And in that case, stick around for a while.  It’s going to get weird.

11

Just the tip of the iceberg.

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3 comments on “7 Songs I Will Gladly Lose My Man Card Over

  1. Gelo
    September 4, 2013

    There are just too many good songs a straight guy should avoid, but can’t. F*#k this stereotype world. But, yes, man, I have couple of songs that I can lose my man card too..hahaha.. nice post!

    • Geoff
      September 4, 2013

      Thanks Gelo. At some point you just have to man up and own it. What songs are you handing your Man Card over for?

      • Gelo
        September 4, 2013

        always be my baby is a sure one. I will always love you, though I can only listen to it through an earphone..there are just too many. you know, i just appreciate all kind of music. I can sometimes even listen to classical music on a lazy sunday 🙂

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This entry was posted on September 3, 2013 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , .

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Geoff

Geoff

I am a 28 year old recovering optimist who calls Chicago home. Your mom would like me.

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