Where intelligence gives way to madness.
It has been said that the first step in solving any problem is admitting there is one. Well Hufflepuff, it is long overdue that we address the inexcusably high levels of suck you are emitting. Don’t look at me like that. You know full well that as things stand now you graduate, get shitty jobs, and spend each of your nights in soul crushing Badger bars bragging about how you once knew a guy who was tunnel buddies with Harry Potter.
When it comes down to it, even the Sorting Hat thinks you are all assholes. It thinks that Gryffindors are valiant and brave, Ravenclaws are tits deep in brilliance, Slytherins have monopolized the ambitious balls to grab opportunity by the throat and seize it, and that you, Hufflepuff, are loyal and really, really nice. I mean seriously guys? The Sorting Hat just friend zoned you. Fuck that noise.
Aww thanks! You’re a real Hufflepuff, buddy.
Helga is damn lucky she is dead so that she does not have to see the pussification that has engulfed the Hufflepuff house in recent years. Change is needed and change shall be had. Pick up your quills, I’m only doing this once.
Everyone remembers the time that Harry Potter and his 1st year friends took down a troll that was in the girls’ bathroom. Cool story right? Deserving of House Cup points for sure. Well Hufflepuff, that’s how last place finishes happen. When danger approaches, you run for the protection of the common room. To recap, a couple of first years are skullfucking a troll with their wands, and your legal adult 7th years are hiding behind the robe of the Professor of Herbology. Absolutely pathetic, but more on that later.
Fine, so you ran away this time. Brush yourself off and learn from your mistakes. Gryffindor got points for protecting the castle from a troll, why can’t you one up that? Pool some money together and pay a real wizard to dismember a dragon, then sneak that bastard onto school grounds and take credit for everything.
Come on now guys, it’s not that hard of a concept. If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying. Pull this one off and then go about your business showering in all the points and panties you will have rained upon you.
Dragon slaying is a time tested panty dropper.
Baby steps though. Let’s just start with the House Cup and work our way up from there. It isn’t just going to win itself. Say what you want about Slytherin, but when they were running the Inquisitorial Squad they had their eyes on the prize and stopped at nothing until no one else had a chance at winning. Take a page out of that book. Accio your collective balls and get out there and start sabotaging and disposing of Ravenclaw Potions assignments already.
This kid’s got potential.
Stop Taking Herbology
If a firm was hired to take stock of the inventory of a House that takes pride in their love for the studying of plants and asked the virgins to raise their hands, overtime would be mandatory to get that list compiled. You have a whole world of magic and crazy shit happening around you, and you are enthralled by plants?
The wand in your hand can literally set things on fire, fetch things for you, and duel other wizards. The world is your oyster, but you don’t see it that way do you Hufflepuff? Oh no, you are far too busy kicking it in the greenhouse doing things that Gregor Mendel only did because he was a squib.
Worst. Magic. Ever.
I get it that you want to focus on something you are good at, and that is understandable, but take a little pride in the fact that you are deemed qualified to carry a wand. Get serious about your defense spells or something . The remedies your plants create are useful and do come in handy, but in a time of war if you can’t make the Whomping Willow learn to walk around and go about Mike Tyson’ing things, then I have no use for you.
Besides, all your hard work goes for nothing anyways since the Herbology Professor role won’t even go to any of you later down the line. There is so little respect for Hufflepuff that years after the Harry Potter era, they are just going to give the job to the Gryffindor that spent the majority of his time in school getting ridiculed by everyone else for sucking at using magic.
People don’t forget, Neville.
Get in the Gym
Now that we have established that Hufflepuff House lacks the magical skill of the other houses, it is imperative to have something else going for you. If you can’t be the best at magic you might as well go with the shallow solutions. Look around college campuses, Gamma Phi Beta doesn’t have the brains of Ravenclaw, but they are still popular. Follow suit.
And yes, I get that robes aren’t exactly the most flattering thing to wear, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still take pride in what you are putting out there. Moral of the story, if you aren’t going to impress them with what you do with the robe on, blow them away with what you are working with underneath it. Just because your Defense against Dark Arts grade is a Troll, doesn’t mean you have to look the part.
Gilderoy Lockhart made a career out of being a subpar wizard merely because he was good looking enough to make people believe him. Once in a while you just have to outkick your coverage. Ya know what I’m saying?
Play the Pity Card
When all else fails, drop back and throw a Hail Mary. I realize, I’m dropping too many muggle football references, but ask around and you will get the point. The most popular Hufflepuff ever was during the Harry Potter era was in Cedric Diggory’s final days. At the end of the Triwizard Tournament, Voldemort rose to power and killed Cedric. In the days that followed there was an outpouring of attention towards the Hufflepuff house to console them in their time of sorrow. After all, grief is nature’s aphrodisiac.
Works like a charm that even your lack of magic can’t miscast.
If that’s what is going to get you attention, then it’s time to play the hand you were dealt. Start sending howlers to yourself at breakfast. Really lay it on thick then retreat to a world of sulking and sorrow until the desired effect is achieved.
Your parents are disappointed in you, you failed another test, and your significant other, from a foreign school which totally exists, broke up with you? Yep, that should do the trick. I would say you have now set the stage for your desperate attempts at showing up on that special someone’s radar. All that’s left is to close.
I really shouldn’t be alone tonight.
I mean really, just do something. Things need to change so that when people are at work and taking a quiz on which Hogwarts House they would be in and it comes up Hufflepuff, people’s initial reaction isn’t always them screaming “Oh, fuck me!”.
You know what? I’ll just stick to being a muggle.