The Dismantling of My Playoff Beard
Last night was a huge night for those of us lucky enough to live in Chicago. Three key things happened in my world. The Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup, mayhem and the consumption of celebration sodas was rampant, and my beard’s days were numbered with the purchase of new razor blades.
Drunks buying sharp objects – brilliant.
The playoff beard, that had draped my face as a sign of support to the Hawks, had completed its work after powering Dave Bolland’s game winning magic. A beard that had seen that much deserved a proper send off. So for one more victory lap we went to work together, saying our farewells as we went. But it was just not going to be an appropriate parting of ways unless we went on one last adventure together. And because no guy ever outgrows that phase where he thinks random facial hair is hilarious, it was time to see what I was working with. Besides, who doesn’t love a good train wreck.
All aboard.
The Playoff Beard
Description
The beautiful, victorious bastard in all its glory. Soak it in my friends, they do not make them like this often. It takes two months of serious work to manage only 12 hairs on those cheeks. It is not the most full playoff beard, but damn it, it worked. This is the kind of thing where you wake up and look in a puddle near the garbage dumpster you woke up next to, and just appreciate the damn solid work. That’s good hustle, you homeless looking bastard.
Perceived Chances with the Ladies
This is a Cinderella story if I have ever seen one.
100% – 24 hours ago, it was a part of the Cup run. It was dedication to something outside of one’s direct control. It was a sign of commitment. Last night, you could do no wrong Playoff Beard.
8% – Tonight though, you look homeless. You look like you have not showered. You should lose your rights to face privileges for the poor treatment you have bestowed upon it. The clock struck midnight and you became the pumpkin. Time’s up. You’re no longer the belle of the ball, sweetheart. Go shave or go hipster hunting.
The Harvey Dent
Description
Oh hey there girl. How are you doing tonight?
Oh shit. Not a fan of beards? That’s cool, I’ve got a friend.
Perceived Chances with the Ladies
96% – I’m revolutionizing the game with this one. Harvey Dent was onto something with the whole Two Face thing. The guy knew there was something to going out with your own wingman attached to you. Fail once? You get a second try. And ask any sharpshooter posted up in the corner jacking 3’s, you never miss the same shot twice.
The Sophisticated AF
Description
For the guy who can’t grow the full beard with cheeks too, this is the no brainer. There’s some solid flow going on there. It perfectly makes the statement that, in my own mind, I am superior in every facet of the world. You can’t even argue that because of the symmetry going on up there. And don’t even try to think your V necks go deeper than mine while rocking that sweet goatee. My V’s are deeper than my poetry, you have no shot.
Perceived Chances with the Ladies
0% – Not giving a fuck about any of that. Get me my scarf and my beanie and get off my nuts, I’ve got poetry to write
The Fu Manchu
Description
Nothing fancy about this one. Just straight up in your face, hardcore styling right there. I know who I am, and you are going to respect me because look at me. When Beyonce wrote Bootylicious, this is what she had in mind. Ya’ll ain’t ready for this jelly. Not even close.
Perceived Chances with the Ladies
0% to 100% – Really this is a sliding scale based on how close in proximity you are to the exact center of West Virginia.
The Lars and the Real Girl
Description
Well, yes actually I have had to move a few times in the last few years, but I get to know all of the neighbors right away. They are always super friendly at first, and then over time they tend to shy away and stop smiling as much. It must be marital problems. If you two wanted to go out on a date Friday to rekindle the love in your relationship, I would be happy to babysit! No worries, I don’t have any other plans, so let me know if you want me to play wit— I mean, watch your kids.
Perceived Chances with the Ladies
.000001% – Ryan Gosling is literally the only dude in the world that can pull this off and get a swoon out of it. While girls can still love the Gos in that movie, despite him playing an odd character with a To Catch a Predator ‘stache, the rest of us fall into that second category. Don’t do it. Don’t try it. You’ll just end up court mandated to introduce yourself to the neighborhood the rest of your life. Just respect Gosling for being Gosling, and go about your business.
The Welcome to Earth
Description
You are not Will Smith. This does NOT work for you. End of story.
Perceived Chances with the Ladies
100% success rate.
0% consent given.
100% conviction rate against.
And with that, we have said goodbye to the playoff beard with the most hustle in the league. You will be sorely missed. Now just the parade left and you can put a bow on this championship season.
Until next year, friends. Go Hawks.
Musings of the Certifiable 