Musings of the Certifiable

Where intelligence gives way to madness.

5 Types of Dancers You See in Most Every Bar

Like salmon returning to the riverbeds in which they were born, we too are ingrained with driving forces that cannot be explained. There is an inescapable power embedded into our genetic code that music holds over us. It is a truly magical mystery of life to observe what happens to a person who is put into a building stocked full of alcohol and music. People from every walk of life are equally powerless to the allure of the dance floor when it comes to what music awakens inside us all. We act instinctively as if it were a sacrifice upon the alter of the Muses themselves.


May your gifts be deemed worthy.

It is then that you will witness a mass jockeying for attention with each person’s own unique style. Styles such as…

The Middle Schooler

There is a natural progression with our education system. Concepts are taught on the basic level early in life in order to be fleshed out in greater detail in later years. One cannot later accomplish the mastery of algebra without having first learned addition. Each person must start out slow in order to build a foundation for more complex maneuvers later on. The same goes with dancing.

One must first learn how to control their awkwardly flailing limbs and develop some sort of rhythm. The beginning of this starts at the Middle School level where initial moves are learned and celebrities are imitated as best as they can be. It is at this point that you will see some of your friends peak in their learning process. They are going to learn those few basic early motions and never attempt to do learn again.


No, I’m good guys. This one is never going out of style.

What that leads to today is them being far behind the learning curve, and too scared to leave their comfort zone from fear of judgment. Instead, you will see them sheepishly moving around the dance floor trying to find a beat that matches one of the limited selections in their repertoire. They are the type who are just flat out not going to take a chance. These are the people that you see trying to slow dance to Avicii or leaning on the Charleston a little too heavily. It is not exactly a showstopper.


Maybe after the Ecstasy kicks in.

Justin Timberlake’s Backup Dancer

As in anything, there are going to be people better than you at everything you try. That is just a fact of life that we have learned to live with. Most times, we shrug it off and just chalk it up to being ok with being content with our lot in life and move on with other aspects of ourselves to keep us confident in who we are. All of that changes when it comes to dancing in a bar.

Gentlemen, when this guy takes to the dance floor you might as well stop acting like you even exist, because to the ladies in the bar, you no longer do. This guy has everyone’s attention with his brilliant ability to control his body to the rhythm of the beat flowing through the speakers. If you are a single guy, you might as well post up at the bar and tell them to leave the bottle, because you are going home alone tonight. And if you happen to be a guy in a relationship? Your best bet is to tell her how much you love her and hope for the best, because in this moment you are not this man’s equal.


Babe, I love you. I want you to be my wif-where are you going?!

Either way, you might as well get drunk in the meantime and hope to catch some scraps falling from his table. Just know that, even then, she will not be thinking about you tonight.

The Performer

The ability to create an end product to be consumed by the masses is not in everyone’s DNA. Not everyone can take nothing and make it into something, and that is just how the cards were dealt. That is when people take to seeing things they like and mimicking it to adopt their own expressions.

If you do not feel the flow of music going through you and need to use a cheat sheet, then the official music video with the choreographed dance is certainly a decent place to get an idea, I guess. It just gets a little weird when you raise that concept up to a whole new level of douchebaggery by thinking the song was put on so that you can perform for the rest of us. I like Marry the Night too bro, but that does not mean it is cool for you to break out the splits on the dance floor.


Nailed it.

Same thing for you as well, ladies. I get it that you and your sorority sisters hung out and learned the dance, but the spotlight was not made only for you. Other people want to Tootsie Roll too, damn it. You might do well to realize that there are other people here and they are not in your way just because you think that, “this is totally my song!” This is not Grease and not everyone clears the floor so you can give each other hand jives. So go take another round of shots with your girls and I guess call me later and we can hand jive each other then.


Clearly, I am just now learning what that means.

The Expecting Parents

Are they? No they cannot possibly be. What is that? They couldn’t… could they? Yep. There is no reasonable shred of doubt left. These are the two out there on the floor who no one knows what exactly it is supposed to be, but I am pretty sure it would even have to be censored on HBO. Maybe in a very loose sense of the term, what they are doing can be called dancing, but I am pretty sure it more closely resembles a random page ripped out of the Kama Sutra.


To the window, to the wall?

Seriously though. There are movies with six consecutive X’s in the title that are more subtle. Can I be a godparent since I am watching the conception? Great, now I feel like I need a shower. Umm, ok then – moving on. Hey guys, before we leave, we all took notice and chipped in for about three pounds of Plan B. Use it liberally.

The Hypnotizer

There are many things in this world that grab our interest, but with the attention spans we possess these days it is usually only for a fleeting moment of notice. When it comes to some people dancing in bars though, there is no escaping what you are watching. Like with Ka from The Jungle Book, once you make eye contact you are not breaking free of it until it is over. You cannot be exactly sure what you are looking at, but you know it is something that you need to see more of, and see more of it right now.

Perhaps it is that this person is quite possibly the worst dancer you have ever seen, or perhaps you have just witnessed the same person absolutely killing it doing the Bernie for two consecutive hours. Regardless of what it is, all you know is that they look like the happiest bastard in this whole place and it is the greatest thing you have ever seen, so you will be damned if you are going to miss a single minute of it.


Wait. Once he finishes Set Fire To The Rain, then we can leave.

So, let’s give credit where credit is due, this is quite possibly the most infectious dancer of them all. They can easily lure us onto the dance floor with their hypnotizing reassurance that everything is going to be ok, because when looking at this person it reminds us that as long as we are having fun, we should not give two shits what anyone else thinks about what we are bringing to the table. And for that, we are all eternally thankful for these trailblazers of the two-step.


Shine on you crazy diamond.

10 comments on “5 Types of Dancers You See in Most Every Bar

  1. ♔ la dauphine ♔
    March 22, 2013

    It’s funny ‘cos it’s true! The pics you chose to underscore your words are epic. I love laugh with my morning coffee.
    Thank you!

    • Geoff
      March 27, 2013

      I’m glad this could accompany your morning coffee so well. I just noticed your tagline is “Shine on you crazy diamonds…” and I like you a whole lot for that. Great minds… or something like that.

  2. Thank you for causing me to squirt soda out of my nose at work while reading this. The question is, with what category do YOU most closely align?

    • Geoff
      March 22, 2013

      Being the tallest dude on most dance floors typically lends me to being out there for everyone else’s entertainment haha. If I’m going to be seen by everyone, I might as well have a hell of a lot of fun doing it and reassure everyone else that they won’t look that bad.

      If I get drunk enough, I’ll think I’m backing up JT though. That’s when things get terrifying for everyone else.

  3. Haha I respect that. I hope to witness your antics one of these days!

  4. Lisa Deeves
    March 24, 2013

    So funny! Thanks for the much needed heehaws. You are a wonderful writer – Never, never stop!!!

    • Geoff
      March 24, 2013

      Lisa, you are awesome. Thank you so much for the kind words and support 🙂

  5. Lisa Deeves
    March 31, 2013

    Reblogged this on 1year2changeeverything and commented:
    I LOVE this posting and just had to share it…Geoff is such a master at combining side-splitting prose with perfect pics. Hope you love him too!!

  6. Coco J. Ginger
    May 21, 2013

    Hahaha this is fantastic.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


This entry was posted on March 21, 2013 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , .

Day to Day Ramblings

Follow along with all the future asshattery to come.

Haven’t Had Enough Yet?



I am a 28 year old recovering optimist who calls Chicago home. Your mom would like me.

Personal Links

View Full Profile →

%d bloggers like this: