Musings of the Certifiable

Where intelligence gives way to madness.

Can’t I Just Date My Liquor Cabinet?

The wooing process in the modern world can best be described as an exercise in perseverance. Much preparation goes into ensuring that we actually have something worthwhile to say that could be mistaken for charm and that our appearance is appealing before we even leave the house. All of this work is done in order to give ourselves the best odds of not being a complete soul crushing failure in our efforts that night.

For a 25 year old male that means spending my nights engaging with the group of girls I happen to meet and convincing them that I truly am an honest to God real person and not just there as the Ambassador of Foreign Relations on behalf of my penis. Because guess what gents, to the girls in the bar, you and the dudes who you walked in with all have permanent membership seats at the United Nations of Dick and you are under watch for extreme acts of aggression.


Damn it, guys. I said my CITIES were vulnerable.

The world continues to become a smaller place with each new innovation. With social media, and other means of communication, we no longer lose touch with people that we have met and that allows us to retain larger groups of friends. This is undoubtedly great in the sense of being able to preserve meaningful friendships into later stages of life, but it certainly has changed the dating scene.

While things exist, like Tinder, EHarmony, and, which allow people to find each other in a one on one setting through our social media profiles, the primary means of attempting to ensnare a member of the opposite sex is still through real life human interaction. But since social media and texting has all but destroyed our society’s ability to interact with one another on an in person basis, what are we to do?

Well, what we do is we end up going out in a group of friends, as flying solo when approaching someone apparently leaves people feeling too vulnerable. Those that feel this way want backup so that they won’t end up looking like an idiot in case they are asked something unpredictable that would throw a wrench in their game.


Um. Shit! Do I come here often?!?

The group mentality is not going away. Apps like Grouper have even started popping up that encourages meeting up in groups. Whether they are implying that you are too scared to go on a normal date or assuming that people want their friends to sign off of the person they are talking to, it is becoming an entrenched facet of the dating scene.

As the world works today, that is now the initial step of the courting dance in our society’s group mentality. My credentials must first be scrutinized and examined. I have to first be deemed worthy for one on one conversation by her friends’ watchful eyes. It is a nightly battle against a category 5 hurricane of bureaucracy. It is almost enough to make me long for a night at home with the open arms of my liquor cabinet and Netflix.


You can guilty pleasure me all night long.

Hmm. Drinks and a movie? That sounds a whole lot closer to a real date than this Grouper thing. Could it be that what I have been looking for the whole time has been hidden right in front of my eyes? I feel like I am living in a slow motion scene from a Freddie Prinze Jr. movie. Has it been you the whole time, liquor cabinet?

The more I think about it, the more I realize that my liquor cabinet is a less hassle, love of my life. It is fully stocked, comforts me after a bad day, and is always there for me. You might be thinking to yourself, “Well, what about physical attraction?” I would agree that physical attractiveness plays a part in every relationship, but this gives us an important opportunity to remind ourselves of something our parents tried, and apparently failed, to teach us long ago. True beauty can always be found on the inside.


Well, hello gorgeous.

Maybe this has been a lesson in learning to see what is right in front of our eyes. Maybe it has been about not being scared to take chances and going the extra distance. Maybe there is excitement in the unknown of the one on one scenario. Or maybe I am just drunk. Regardless you don’t want to end up like me and infatuated with your liquor cabinet, so I think we can figure out a way to make the most out of this whole dating thing after all.

When there are no other outside interactions, you will find you will get to know someone better when it is just you two. Besides, hasn’t anyone ever told you confidence is sexy? So tell this Grouper thing to eat a dick and fly solo once in a while.


As impossible as that is to imagine, it can be done.

Then again, what do I know? I am apparently courting inanimate objects.

3 comments on “Can’t I Just Date My Liquor Cabinet?

  1. Tim Gordon
    May 1, 2013

    give the man a damn pulitzer already

  2. duncanr
    May 31, 2013

    flying solo is all very well in principle and would be great if women did so also.

    trouble is, women rarely go out on their own – and most often visit the local watering hole only in the company of other females.

    trying to engage one in conversation is like trying to cut one out from the herd

    at the first sight of an approaching predator (male) the other females instinctively close ranks

    in order to bring down his target, it is essential, therefore, that the male has backup from other males to enable him to penetrate the females forming a protective ring round his intended prey 😆

    • Geoff
      May 31, 2013

      Flying solo can still work, despite your reservations. One must first win over the rest of the group with feats of strength and then one on one conversation can be had.

      More or less the plot of Gladiator. Impress enough people and you will be granted your freedom.

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This entry was posted on April 30, 2013 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , .

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I am a 28 year old recovering optimist who calls Chicago home. Your mom would like me.

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