Musings of the Certifiable

Where intelligence gives way to madness.

4 Lies You Will Tell Today

Whether it be to protect someone else or to get yourself out of a situation that you have found yourself in, it is a guarantee that you will lie today.  As a matter of fact, you are going to lie a lot.  This is just an accepted fact of human existence that we will be deceitful towards one another and I can assure you that you will be back at it in full force again today.  There are just certain lies that are so ingrained into your daily routine that, even if you had a shock distributing lie detector strapped to your balls, you would still lie like a deadbeat dad making an appearance on Maury.


Of course!  Why have I not thought of strapping it to the balls yet?

So go ahead and avoid it as best as you can, but I bet on today’s checklist you will cross off lies like…

“I Would Love To”

There will always come a time in your day where someone will approach you with an offer that makes you wonder if you could jump through the double sealed windows of the 9th floor to sweet escape below.  One is going to be the somewhat random person you run into while buying coffee that you have not seen in a while, which was perfectly fine with you.  This is the type of person who you run into and they immediately strike up a conversation, as if they don’t realize that it is not even 8:00 AM yet.

So, as you sleepwalk your way through a polite conversation, you are mercifully rewarded with your overpriced cup of sanity and start to head towards the exit.  That is when this person ends the conversation with, “You should totally hit me up sometime so we can get lunch!”  And bless your soul, without missing a beat, you will crack a slight smile and say, “I would love to” and be off with your day knowing full well you will never be making that call or even saving the number they just gave you.


Yep.  555-123-4567? Got it.

The other person who might elicit this response out of you is your needy coworker.  This is the person that is going to approach your desk and sheepishly ask if you can do something for them.  Out of the kindness of your heart, or perhaps the idea that they might have to do the same for you another time, you begrudgingly accept by telling them, “I would love to.”  You do this all with a smile, but deep down you are just dying to sarcastically tell them about all the other things you would love to do at that moment as well.  But like a fully function person in the workplace, you bury it and, instead, start to plot your vendetta upon this grave injustice.


Remember, remember… the time Janice made me make copies for her.

“I Don’t Have Any Cash On Me”

It is the holiday season, which means that everyone has their hands out looking to drive revenue to charities.  This is an important piece of our society in order to keep cancer research, soup kitchens, toy drives, and shelters funded.  And while we all do what we can, when we can, in helping Susan G. Komen, the Red Cross, and the Salvation Army, there comes a point where we just do not want to drop another dollar into said fund.  Instead of just saying no to the bell ringer, vast amounts of people claim to not have any cash on them as if the guy in the Santa costume is going to put them on the Naughty List for stiffing him unjustly.


No cash?  Prove it!

The same story goes for the homeless people you step over on a daily basis.  I am not judging you in the least bit.  All I am saying is that I am willing to bet there is change in your pocket too.


Wouldn’t you know it?  Fresh out!

“I Did Not See Your Call/Text Until Just Now”

When you finally get home from that long day of work that included fighting the urge to attempt to punch the stupid out of the human race, the last thing you want to do is continue to deal with people.  You no more than get a foot in the door and you feel the buzz of your phone as if to let you know that you are not out of your pants quite yet.  As you look at your phone, you realize that you do not currently have the energy to respond, so you ignore the call or you read the text and just lock your phone.

It might simply be your buddy asking if you want to go out tonight and grab a beer or sending a funny joke your way, but you know full well that there is nothing on the face of the Earth that could make you want to respond to anyone right now, so not responding is the easier route.  Hey, if you ignore something hard enough, maybe it will just go away right?


Take the hint, Cage.

It is not that you are unappreciative for the invite, or the hilarious joke they have sent over to you, it is just that you have truly been drained of your communication fuel at that point and need some time to recharge.  At some point you will start to feel guilty, and as to not upset the person who tried to call/text, you will send a quick message back apologizing for just now having seen their attempt to reach out.  It is mostly harmless, but you and I both know you are full of shit.

You spent the last hour crying in the dark, while laying face down in your bed, contemplating why something called a Snooki has a published book.  In order to spare feelings once we have returned from our enraged blackout seclusion, we tend to just say that we had not seen their text yet and be done with it to move on.


Damn it Snooki, how long was I out for this time?

I Will Do “X” Tomorrow

I am as guilty of this as anyone else, which is why I can honestly say that most likely you are not going to get around to it tomorrow either.  If you really had the motivation to get it done, you would do it with the time left today.  Tomorrow is the place where we store things we do not want to think about today.  Tomorrow is merely this fictionalized place in which you do things and are a better person because of it.  If you do not have the motivation to begin something today, don’t be surprised when everything you put in your calendar for tomorrow fails to come to completion the way you had hoped.



Telling someone that you will get around to it tomorrow is a way of hoping they forget and you are off the hook.  While they may forget, you cannot get away from the lies you tell yourself.  These are the lies that can dig in and cause harm.  If you want to quit smoking or work out to start on the path to a better you, start today because by the time you wake up tomorrow, it will be today again and there will be a whole new tomorrow to push things off to.

On the bright side, you completed this list today.  So, there is that.

4 comments on “4 Lies You Will Tell Today

  1. kailley
    December 13, 2012

    After reading this, I started to take inventory of today’s lies. I’ve lied twice without even thinking about it until after the fact and it ain’t even noon yet. At this rate, my pants will be on fire by happy hour.

    • Geoff
      December 27, 2012

      It appears I should apologize for exposing you to the world then Kailley haha.

  2. LJC2012
    December 27, 2012

    I found this absolutely hilarious and 100% true. I haven’t laughed out loud at something I’ve read in a long time, so well done 🙂 Please keep posting… I’ll be sure to tune in!

    • Geoff
      December 27, 2012

      I’m glad you find the truths in lying as hilarious as I do haha. Thank you so much for your kind words, I truly appreciate them.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


This entry was posted on December 12, 2012 by in Life Lessons and tagged , , , .

Day to Day Ramblings

Follow along with all the future asshattery to come.

Haven’t Had Enough Yet?



I am a 28 year old recovering optimist who calls Chicago home. Your mom would like me.

Personal Links

View Full Profile →

%d bloggers like this: