Why Your Parents Would Be the Best Politicians
As we enter into the wake of the 2012 election cycle, the focus shifts to finding clarity and understanding in the results of the many elections held on Tuesday. Some people are going to continue to be bitter and belittle results long after the average American stopped caring. Seeing as most attention spans lasted just long enough to create things like this or this following the speeches, all that remained left to do was try and gain a better understanding as to what our political landscape looks like. Please do keep the banter going in America though, as I truly believe the best way to move forward and come closer to a universal truth is to continue having discussions involving serious hot topic issues.
Hot Topic Issue: It’s Closed.
But as we set our ideological differences aside and allow cooler heads to prevail, it has become very clear that the best suited people for these offices of power are your parents. Scoff all you want, but few people have more experience managing finances and dealing with whiny shitheads than the people that raised you. Face it, if they can take you from shitting yourself in diapers, being an ungrateful know it all in the teenage years and turn that abomination into a functioning adult, they can sure as Hell run a government.
Probably means going back to changing diapers though.
As the child of the family you perfectly represent the voting population in America. The struggles you felt you were up against never really went away as you grew up, they just got rebranded into something vaguely familiar. The same issues still find ways of affecting your life to this day. You feel your voice goes unheard, you have to share your things with your siblings, and breaking the established laws resulted in an ass beating.
A bit different as an adult.
Despite all of your claimed suffering while growing up, you seemed to reach the finish line and now contribute to society. So maybe that is the solution after all. Maybe it is time for the powers at be to start taking pages out of Mom’s old playbook. How awesome would it be to hear someone complaining to the Governor, “But Governor! Other companies get to use shady business practices in other states!” and have them be responded to with, “Well I am not the Governor of other states now am I? Guess what? Life’s not fair and as long as you are living within these borders you will do what I say. Now go clean your room.”
Ugh, I hate you! You don’t know what it is like being a Fortune 500, Governor!
This would be a party built on tough love. Things that are out of their hands would not be things they would be willing to take lip from you over. I would dare any of you to go up to your parents in such a position and complain about how much it cost to fill up your car yesterday. They would get up behind the microphone, stare deeply into your soul, and tell you, “Oh gas is too expensive? And you think I can somehow magically fix that? Well in my day, I was lucky if I even owned a car, let alone could put gas in it due to shortages. Now shut up and eat your dinner.”
And could you imagine what would become of the national debt?!? First off, if my mother found out that I had run up a 16 trillion dollar debt on my credit card, she would have cut it up and slapped me upside the head for being a dumbass. That would not fly with her hands on the national credit card. I would be floored if she would not know what the budget was and where every single dollar within her household was to be allocated. I am dead serious, if you put my mother in the right position that never would have been an issue. Do not ask me how she works her magic, but my mother would have coupon shopped the War on Terror down to under $100 and on top of that they would have most certainly thrown in a case of Diet Pepsi for free, with her purchase for her troubles.
Democracy style.
Of course you are going to have the cool parents who feel it is ok to let their kids experience some things, so they will allow some perceived questionable activity under their roof. These are clearly the type in Washington and Colorado who just decided that they were going to let their kids try some stuff. The interesting part coming up is how the transportation of marijuana within these states is going to be regulated. Transportation and Commerce laws are going to come into play when dealing with how to get the substances into their borders and then once it is distributed there how to keep it there.
Those of you who drank in your parent’s basement know exactly how they would ensure this was done in a safe manner. Once you crossed the borders of their front door into their jurisdiction they told you the beer was downstairs in the fridge, then they took your keys and said you were not leaving the house the rest of the night. Same thing for you Washington and Colorado. It grows there. It’s got to stay there.
Thanks Mrs. Colorado, you’re the coolest.
Then there is the tricky situation with things like union strikes and foreign policy. When you were growing up and causing World War III in the living room with your sister you thought it was perfectly normal. You would have your fights and raise Hell and would not think anything of it, as you were dealing with your issues in your own way. There would come a warning from the other room and after disregarding said warning, you would then hear the most terrifying sound of all time. The footrest of the recliner would slam shut and you knew that play time was over. In stormed your dad to put an end to your bickering because he was tired of your shit. The petty arguments ended now. Administration, shrink the class size. Teachers, get back to work.
Do NOT make me come back in there.
Think back to the time when you were a youngster and got into a fight or said something mean to another kid at school. You can bet that when the news broke that you were getting dragged by the ear to their house to apologize to them in front of their parents as well. Your parents would not have hesitated dragging you over there if you attacked another person’s embassy. They are not going to shield your dumb ass from the consequences, but will instead put you on Front Street and make you answer for what you did. They are not going to have their good name soiled on account of you being a fuck. You mess with the bull, you get the horns.
And don’t let us catch you doing it again.
Okay, so your parents put restrictions on you, made you work for what you got, and beat you when you deserved it. It was not perfect, but they did the best with what they had to work with. It might not be a completely transferrable skill set into politics, but this style motivated you to get your shit together and figure out how to manage to support yourself without their constant help, so I guess, in a way, it worked the way it was designed to. If nothing else, D.C. would be filled with lessons about treating others the way you wanted to be treated and accepting those who are different from you. And if some extremists did not like what your parents had to say, they would be happy to explain to them, the same way they did to you, why they should follow their lead.
Because we said so!
Musings of the Certifiable 
I completely enjoyed this read. What incredible insights! I laughed, I remembered when, I laughed some more, I was sad at the plain truth of what you say, I laughed, and now I’ll pray that maybe, just maybe some old truths sprinkled with old traditions steeped in wisdom will somehow find their way back into our minds and our hearts. I’m tired of fighting. I’m old. It really is now up to you young un’s. You will lead the way into the future hopefully with more sense and responsibility than this generation has shown. Geoff, you are an inspiration!
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am glad you could draw all of that from this. Hopefully we can bridge some gaps moving forward.