Musings of the Certifiable

Where intelligence gives way to madness.

5 Types of Friends Everyone Has

Human beings are naturally social creatures who reach out and find comfort in the acceptance of others.  As one branches out they start to acquire a group of people they decide are not complete shitheads and label each with the title of “friend”.  You will find that the longer you are on this planet, the more you are going to realize that your group is eerily reminiscent of everyone else’s.   Think that you are unique all you want, but it is as likely that you have each of the following friends in your arsenal as it is that the next wedding you go to will drag your ass to the dance floor for the Cha Cha Slide.


Right foot let’s… actually, let’s just stop.


In every group of friends there is the core that keeps everything woven together.  These are the people that you can guarantee are sharing hangovers while watching football on Sunday.  So come Friday, the core group is already in to go out, and they turn their collective attention to the other people who usually go out with them.  Everyone blows through their list of contacts to try and convince the rest of the crew to get the weekend going right.

There is one name that, without fail, each person will stop on individually to send a text to knowing full well they probably are not going to get a response back.  This is the person you have long stopped expecting timely responses from, but still love hanging out with so the text continues to go out.  You have now successfully pinpointed the Bigfoot of your group.


A master of the Irish exit.

Everyone talks about this person and considers them a close friend, but no one can remember the last time they saw them.  You will swear that they are real, but you will have to go based on stories because there is not physical evidence.  After a while, the stories start to turn into legends and people begin to doubt they even exist.  Then out of nowhere, there will be a sighting and it will create a riptide of orgasmic euphoria within the believer community.  And just like that, you will be recommitted to the idea that this creature exists and you will continue on your path to lure it back into society.



The Eeyore

Everyone has ideas on what they want to do to pass the time in a better way.  This usually comes to fruition with a group of people sitting around a table or clustered up in a group text message string talking about ideas.  Your proactive people will start throwing out suggestions on something that may make for a fun time and their mortal enemy at the table will find the hole in every idea.  Want to go to a Cubs Game?  They will tell you how much they suck and how it is a waste of money.  Ok then, what about we hit the beach today?  No?  Fine, how about we sit here at my place and hang out and drink?


Your place?  I’d rather father Snooki’s child.

This person will continue to shoot down your ideas while never suggesting anything of their own.  The movie you want to watch sucks, the place you want to eat does not sound good at all, and your hair is really fucking stupid.  No, you jerk, your FACE is really fucking stupid.  Ha!  Point me.  But really, they have fun tendencies in them I know they do, I have seen them.  Quit being a bitch about everyone else’s ideas and just shut up until we start drinking if that’s how you’re going to be.  Besides, you are so much less of a cynical asshole when you’re drinking.


Mocking me with the hanging yourself gesture?  Why do I even invite you over anymore?

Relationship Addict

Some people believe in love at first sight, and they believe it with all of their heart.  Every person has that friend that is consistently meeting “the one”.  They have been in more failed relationships than Henry VIII and yet they still keep going back for more.  Each time they break up, they are heartbroken and cannot be consoled.  Their world has truly ended.  Without fail, ten days later you are going to get a text from them telling you how you have to meet this new person they met last night.  Within weeks they are back in a relationship and, actually you know what, good for you Relationship Friend, and who am I to judge?  After all, each of us has our own vices.


Judge me, I dare you.

This is the person that insists on bringing his new girlfriend to everything and allows you to play the “Name That Bitch” game later on that was made popular by Lily on How I Met Your Mother.  Pictures for years to come will have him and some long since dumped Succubus of a woman, parading around memories past.  Some people just don’t do well on their own, and that is their prerogative.  The important thing is that they do not continue to change who they are to mirror their current crush and develop into…

The Chameleon

Throughout the years we have seen fads pop up that cause society’s balls to catch fire like the morning after a $3 hooker.   Unlike the after effects of an unfortunate night, the fad’s fire leaves as quickly as it appeared and it is left in the wake of a new attention grabber.  There are people that seem to solely exist in this world of being trendy.  Everything they do is based on whatever the hottest jam on YouTube is right now and their jokes reside in the meme world.  We still love having this person around and consider them a very close friend, but it seems like every other time you see them, they have a new look about them.


Guys, I’ve finally found myself.

We love that person, each and every person they choose to be actually.  It just allows us more ammo, later down the line, to ask them what the shit they were thinking.  The worst case of this is when the Relationship Addict gets in on the action.  With each girl this buddy falls for, you get yourself a new friend.  First they try to tell you that meat is murder, then three months later, as you two are devouring a burger, they explain how they don’t know how they ever lived without dubstep.  With each passing failure and reinvention you will consider just buying them a mail order bride to just be done with it.  That may seem harsh, but go clubbing with the new them one time and tell me how long you can stand this new girl’s spin on your buddy’s lifestyle


Dude.  We need to talk.

The Party

You see the label of “The Party” and you instantly think I am going to describe the most stereotypical post grad frat bro you have ever met.  Well, you would be partially right in your assumption in that these people can bring the rage out in certain groups.  This person can also be masked as the resident drunk who was already six deep when they showed up to your house ready to crush some Mario Kart on the old 64.  It is not as straight forward as the person that shows up to your house with a case of beer screaming about how it is time to crush some man sodas and send some former sororstitutes into rehabilitation to learn how to walk again, but they bring the party in their groups regardless.


Most likely found wearing one of these.

That is not who is bringing out the party in everyone’s group though.  That honor belongs to the quieter person that does not always make an appearance, but anytime they come through the door the whole mood changes.  You look at them and just know that you are about to get after it tonight.  More than likely it is because you are thinking to yourself, “I am going to get them pants shitting drunk!”.  When this person walks through the door they might as well be Oprah handing out terrible decisions and tomorrow morning’s hangovers.



The worst part about it, is that they are usually the controlled one and will wake up feeling the best out of everyone.  Instead of learning from our mistakes as a group, we are going to redouble our efforts into getting them even drunker the next time, at our own expense yet again.  As per usual with this friend, shameful decision making will be on tap for you all night.


Drink it in, assholes.

So go ahead and enjoy your upcoming weekend with each of these people.  Try not to look down on them too much though, because there is most certainly someone out there judging the shit out of you for being each of these too.

3 comments on “5 Types of Friends Everyone Has

  1. Brown Nipple Eve
    February 7, 2013

    Haha this is so true! Although I have already defriended all the Eeyores. I have no patience for ‘kill joys’!

  2. Angie
    February 19, 2013

    I am in the middle of the eeyore and relationship addict. I think I’ve even proclaimed a vow of boyfriend celibacy for a whole year and breaking it within two weeks.

    • Geoff
      February 20, 2013

      Well, as they say, the first step is admittance haha. And I have to give you credit for hopping back up on that horse – nicely done.

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This entry was posted on October 16, 2012 by in Categories and tagged , , , , , , , .

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I am a 28 year old recovering optimist who calls Chicago home. Your mom would like me.

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