The 5 Types of People Responsible for Highway Traffic
One of the most stress inducing moments for a lot of people is driving on the highway. The primary cause for this has always been the looming frustration of traffic to come. Nothing is worse than it taking an hour to travel five miles when there seems to be no rational reason as to why cars should not be moving. Contrary to what looks to be a wide open road, there is always a reason as to why traffic forms, and that is because people are morons. While most people are usually just preoccupied thinking about work, relationship issues, or how awesome this song is, there are five main culprits as to why I would do unspeakable things for a red shell.
That will teach you to use your turn signal Bowser.
The Prom Night Virgin
You find yourself sitting in a lane that is not moving because the person five cars up is too timid to make a move. When behind the wheel they have the confidence of a morning after walk of shame victim. The driver of this vehicle makes all of his moves with an air of caution and even though traffic is moving at a breakneck speed of roughly eight miles an hour you can sleep well knowing that this person will not be risking it to cut you off.
The Prom Night Virgin does not want to just dive right into a lane change or a merger because they are being ever mindful not to hurt anyone or damage anything. I often envision this person as having their eyes squinted to the point where they are almost closed while trying to enter traffic, and just thinking to themselves, “Is it in yet?”
Wrong lane, dickhead.
The Busybody
So you are driving along and all of the sudden traffic comes to a screeching stop and like a sane person you turn the radio up and wait for things to get moving. Slowly, traffic moves little by little until the culprit shows its nasty head. On the shoulder there are two cars that are barely damaged, but had clearly been in an accident. Then what almost seems like magic, the cars are moving and it is like there was never an issue.
It instantly becomes clear that the reason you just lost 20 minutes of your life to traffic is because of the person that abandons all concern for the task of driving when there is something to look at. This person prioritizes staying alive and safe in a vehicle behind seeing two shiny objects that have been fucked to all hell. Clearly The Busybody has nothing more important than acquiring the knowledge of knowing what is going on. The wreck has nothing to do with them, but I’ll be damned if they did not have to see what was going on so they were in the know. The best part is knowing that if a man crawled out of one of the cars and was engulfed in flames they would most likely keep driving by, but with a better story now.
Honey, I’m thinking barbecue tonight.
The Only Child
Growing up with a sibling teaches a child many things including cooperation, patience, pyrotechnics, and sharing. These are valuable experiences that only children miss out on. That’s not to say being an only child is a guarantee you will be an asshole, but holy shit it can certainly give you all the tools to get you to that point. You very may well have got your way with your parents, but I’m not your parents and that shit does not fly on the highway.
The only person on the road that does not realize that The Only Child is a self serving prick is The Only Child. The type of assholery that they employ is astounding. If we are merging and going one car at a time, you can safely bet that he will be the first to tell you that they are entitled to not having to wait. You can rest assured knowing that they are going to enter traffic when and where they damn well please because the road is their toy and they will not be sharing.
It’s your world buddy, just trying to be a part of it.
The calling card of The Only Child is the car that goes flying by you in the soon to be closing lane. Everyone else is respecting the fact that in a thousand feet the left lane is going to close, everyone except this fool. They go speeding up to the end of the lane and then get angry at the car at the front for not letting them into the still open lane. This is the exact type of person who you would not feel bad using a lightning bolt on, running over, and enjoying life without them around as you speed on by.
Yep, that’s two Mario Kart references.
The Corpse
I mean seriously, how does the crypt keeper still have a license? This person in front of you is so old and driving so slow that you truly believe they could be dead. The Corpse is an interesting specimen of awful driver in that they are the Voltron of the previous three all coming together to form a terrifying multi colored terror of the road.
The worst of everything comes out when The Corpse gets behind the wheel. They made it to 80 and either believe they cannot be killed by mortal man, or they have a death wish. Either way, by them getting into a vehicle, you better be prepared to wish you had just stayed home. Their reflexes are slow and they don’t see well, so they will be locked in at a speed that is somewhere comparable to Michael Moore’s morning jog. However, all this time on their hands gives them the opportunity to collect as much information from the billboards they see so that they can spend two hours at dinner telling you all about how your generation is ruining America.
You win again Grandpa.
Even though they are going very slowly, do not be fooled. The Corpse will not hesitate in making a lane change or entering traffic, because you respect your elders damn it. At this point in life they believe they should be respected and catered to for the work they have done in this world and that includes just not giving half a fuck about whether or not your car is coming up behind them. Either that or Grandma is still out on a vendetta against the reindeer that ran her down years ago.
Vengeance shall be mine.
Women
Oh I’m just kidding with ya ladies!
But really.
Musings of the Certifiable 