Musings of the Certifiable

Where intelligence gives way to madness.

The Action Hero You Forgot to Thank

Throughout the 90’s there was a never a shortage of action movie stars that we could turn to in order to know that the world was going to be ok.  Time after time, these heroic actors would rise up to save the world from whatever threat should come challenging our ability to dick slap it back to where it came from.  While Bruce Willis, Sly Stallone, and Will Smith were being praised for the work they did to ensure the world’s safety, there was a man that was equally as important and yet scoffed at.  That stops now.

It is time to acknowledge the man who was always there when we truly needed him.  There was no technology too powerful, no predator too large, no anomaly too abstract, not for this hero.  The man who truly saved the 90’s? None other than Jeff Goldblum.  While you were busy singing along with the Spice Girls and teaching your Pokemon new moves, Jeff Goldblum was saving the whole damn world.


You’re welcome, World.

When someone had the awful idea to resurrect dinosaurs, the world got a taste of what Jeff Goldblum had in store for the decade.  Right from the beginning when he finds out that Colonel Sanders is wagging his dick in the face of God with his use of genetics, he puts his foreshadowing foot down and warns how this is all going to go to Hell.  

Every scenario Goldblum puts out there comes to fruition and does so in the most dinosauriffically destructive way possible, including a chase scene when the intelligent Dr. Goldblum advises that they “must go faster, must go faster.”   It sounds obvious, but they didn’t listen to his obvious rational earlier in the adventure so I completely understand why he felt the need to direct people on the simplest of tasks.  Had they just listened to Goldblum in the first place and flushed the dino embryos, we could have avoided all of the atrocities that came after.


You will suffer for disrespecting the word of Goldblum.

By the time his romp around the death trap of a jungle was over, our valiant hero decided to settle down in a small town and become the science teacher.  This was going to be a relaxing place to plant his flag where nothing out of the ordinary could get to him.  Then one day Goldblum headed into work like it was any other day and as he entered his classroom he…. HOLY SHIT THAT IS ONE SERIOUSLY ALBINO KID!!  Not only was this kid really albino, but the son of a bitch had the world’s highest IQ and superpowers.  Yes.  Fucking super powers.  What’s next? Flying gingers?


Oh, hell no.

Now we have a situation where a super powered albino is lurking in the town and the only people who make contact with him end up insulting him and upsetting him.   Right when this walking nuclear reactor is ready to snap, in steps Goldblum.  He sits down Powder and explains to him how impressive the kid truly is.  Jeff makes it known that Powder is much more advanced than everyone else and even reassures him that he hopes someday mankind’s humanity can catch up to their technology.  Goldblum got through to him and apologizes for all of the bags of douche that the kid constantly ran into and even went so far as to tell him that he is what the future of civilization should, and will look like.  In essence he saved the world yet again when he prevented a super villain from rising by telling Powder that everyone was wrong to treat him that way and that he should feel special because he is the absolute tits.


Sometimes captions just write themselves.

At this point you may be thinking to yourself that all he has done thus far is prevent Magneto from coming to power and outsmart animals that have been dead for 65 million.  If you are that skeptical asshole who feels the need to point things out like that, then you are very welcome for that Katy Perry picture above you lonely bastard you!  I’m going to do you one more though, ADD reader.  Brace yourself because motherfucking aliens! That’s why! 

When alien warships came down to interrupt Will Smith’s Fourth of July barbecue, most of the world panicked.  Not Jeff Goldblum.  Jeff Goldblum finish kicking his dad’s ass in chess and went on to crack the alien transmission code and save the President.  What were Will Smith and the Black Knights doing while this was all happening?  Oh that’s right, dying. 


Yeah, I’m looking at you Jimmy.

When all hope was lost and the world was about to get their shit all invaded up on, one man remembered that he is Jeff Goldblum damn it, and decided to be a genius once more.  The ship isn’t flying right?  Goldblum’d!  They have shields surrounding all of their ships?  Goldblum’d!  You need a witness at your wedding and my father needs his faith back? Mother. Fucking. Goldblum’d!  So now all that is left is an easy flight up to the mother ship to upload a virus in a way that only he can do it.



He and Will Smith then lead a daring chase through the mother ship attempting to get out before the nuclear blast killed them.  In his typical style, Jeff advises Will that they “must go faster, must go faster.”  What can we say?  If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.  They escape.  The mother ship is blown to shit.  World saved yet again.

If you have learned anything today it should be that you always need to be going faster and to do anything Jeff Goldblum tells you to because he’s got a plan.


A real big plan.

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This entry was posted on August 3, 2012 by in Movies and tagged , , , , , .

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I am a 28 year old recovering optimist who calls Chicago home. Your mom would like me.

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