Musings of the Certifiable

Where intelligence gives way to madness.

My Apology on Behalf of Cubs Fans

There are things about me that are certainly not enviable. I drink too much and I’ve had serious trust issues ever since I was a kid and raisin cookies looked like chocolate chip cookies, but there is one thing that makes me more pathetic than anything else. I am a Cubs fan.


The first step is admittance.

Now before you go into your hate fueled rant about how inbred I am and whatever other witty comments you surely have floating around in your giant, non Cubs loving brain, I need you to know that I understand your pain. I love the Cubs, truly I do, but the fans that are associated with the Cubs can be too much.

Anyone that knows me has heard me say that I am a baseball fan who happens to support the Cubs. The reason I have to say this instead of just saying that I’m a Cubs fan is because entirely too many Cubs fans have no idea that Sammy Sosa is not still on the team. I have been called an asshole by so many people I never previously met just because I happened to be wearing a Cubs jersey at the time. Don’t get me wrong, I am absolutely an asshole, but not because I am wearing a Cubs jersey. That’d be like assuming everyone wearing a police officer’s uniform was experienced in stripping for bachelorette parties. That’s a stereotype people.


A sexy stereotype.

The reason most people, especially in Chicago, feel that Cubs fans are instantly assholes is because they usually are. That’s not to say they are not instigated into some fights by White Sox or Cardinals fans, but there is a lot they do to themselves, sans provoking. Wrigley Field is considered to some to be the world’s largest bar because of the decisions people make. Baseball fans are drunk everywhere, it’s partially why America still loves going to baseball games, but no other stadium is considered more of a shitshow than Wrigley. This is because other team’s fans tend to actually know the score.

I saw a guy at the last game I was at being carried up the stairs by two friends because he was too drunk to walk. He had to be carried to a wheelchair because of his intoxication levels. I’m not blaming this one man’s asshattery for all of the perception of Cubs fans, but I will blame the five people I saw attempt to high five him on his way up the stairs. They were probably next in line and just spewing nonsense.  No one likes that guy who gets too drunk and starts rambling on like they know what they are talking about.


All rules have exceptions.

Hands down, the single worst atrocity that Cubs fans are guilty of though, is the Crosstown Rivalry. It’s not fair to exclude White Sox fans in this because they are just as guilty, but as they are vastly outnumbered, Cubs fans look much dumber in comparison. When the Cubs and White Sox play and both teams are actually competitive in their own playoff races, then this is fun. Talk your trash, burn a house down, get in a fight with an infant, go nuts kids. But when both teams suck, as they have recently, please just shut up. I don’t want to hear about which team beat which, thus “making them the better team”.

Congratulations Cubs fans, we beat the White Sox when they were 15 games out of the playoffs and we still have no chance at the playoffs ourselves. Would you congratulate and celebrate your kid for finishing second to last in the spelling bee just because he finished ahead of the neighbor’s dumbass kid?  No, you would probably beat them for their stupidity just the same.


Someone call DCFS already.

There are two simple solutions to how this can turn around, and since there is no way anyone is going to teach 75% of the Cubs fan base to actually know who Wellington Castillo is or that there are three outs in an inning, the only other solution is for the Cubs to win the World Series. Being a Cubs fan is about as trendy as a choice as one can make in life. It’s the equivalent of hating on Nickelback. The world loved the Red Sox in the same loveable loser way. People want to associate themselves with something that is down and out. The Red Sox finally won it all and the fan base dwindled down to people who appear more sane. Fingers crossed the same happens for the Cubs fan base.

If that doesn’t cure it and these dumbass fans continue to get me called an inbred dumbass who knows nothing about baseball, I guess I can always throw on my Cubs jersey and go get drunk at Wrigley to forget about my problems. Hmm, maybe the “other” Cubs fans were onto something after all…

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This entry was posted on July 18, 2012 by in Sports and tagged , , , , , .

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I am a 28 year old recovering optimist who calls Chicago home. Your mom would like me.

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