Musings of the Certifiable

Where intelligence gives way to madness.

The Truth about Lifetime Movies

There is a place that exists where crimes against humanity are commonplace.  Life is a constant struggle to rise up against oppression.  Women are beaten for the most trivial reasons imaginable.  This is a place where life is so truly terrifying that Wes Craven would even sleep with a nightlight on.  This place is the mind of a writer for Lifetime.


Lifetime Script Consultant 1984-1991

This is the part where any guy reading this will most likely say, “What kind of dude sits around watching Lifetime?  That guy must still dry hump pillows.”  To you, sarcastic asshole who is still reading at this point because you are impressed that I’m reading your mind and putting your questions on screen, I would say that I was sleep deprived and thought Face to Die For was an old Bond movie.  Oh, and I saw that Yasmine Bleeth was in it.  Yes, Yasmine Bleeth.  Needless to say I spent twenty minutes with my previously mentioned pillow after I initially discovered that, but I digress.

In the 22 total minutes I’ve seen from roughly nine different movies, which thus qualifies me as a film expert, I have discovered that the Lifetime universe is a terrifying place.  In less than a half an hour I have seen five divorces, four beaten wives, three rage driven husband stabbings, two attempted rapes, and a partridge in a pear tree… that was also eventually beaten by its husband.  This is a seriously twisted world where the police refuse to acknowledge that Ray from up the street could possibly ever beat his wife, regardless that there had to have been thirteen other reports that week.

ImageRun along now ma’am.

What could have possibly gone so wrong in your childhood that these are the scripts you are writing?  How is this the world you choose to immerse yourself into on a daily basis?  Domestic abuse, attempted rape, and a murder.  Lather. Rinse. Repeat.  Who is green lighting these shenanigans?  This is a world where the only apparent defense for a battered wife is a butcher’s knife.  It is ALWAYS Mrs. Peacock, in the Study, with the knife because her husband is a prick.  Way to go and ruin Clue now too, Lifetime writer.  You’d better watch your back Monopoly man before you’re picked out of the next police lineup.

ImageThe mustache betrayed you this time Moneybags.

There will come a day where you will have to face up for what you have created, Lifetime writer.  Not only have you made this universe exist, but you have made a deal with the Devil himself to actually get people to watch this.  Women now watch these movies by the metric fuckton.  They become terrified that this is the “real world” and arm themselves with their own butcher’s knives thanks to your douchebaggery.  So when the day comes that I tap a woman on the shoulder, to inform her that she dropped her credit card, and I get stabbed in the collarbone, my blood is on your hands.


At least she didn’t make me watch the movie with her.

There really seems to be no way around this collarbone stabbing future.  So, I hope you’re happy with what your creations have done to me.


You dick.

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This entry was posted on July 10, 2012 by in Movies and tagged , , , , , .

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I am a 28 year old recovering optimist who calls Chicago home. Your mom would like me.

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