Musings of the Certifiable

Where intelligence gives way to madness.

The 4 People You Will Find On Tinder

In the fast paced world we live in, everyone is looking for an easier way to achieve everything.  For my fellow single people out there, I know you would love to be able to easily order up a Saturday night without the side of loneliness for once.  Your friends over at the app store heard the cries of your single serving Easy Mac and have answered with Tinder.

Tinder is an app that allows you to log in through your Facebook account and proceed to judge the unholy Hell out of everyone, even more so than you already do on Facebook.  Within minutes of linking up your account, you will be whisked off to a new screen that looks like a stack of pictures of a seemingly endless supply of Tinder users.  Under this picture will be a green heart, a red “X”, and a button that allows you to learn a little more about this person that is awaiting your merciless judgment.


Zak’s been running the Tinder game since ’92.

Once the judgment has occurred and you finally deem someone worthy of the insanely high standards of your green heart status, the waiting game begins.  If the person green hearts you as well, then a chat box opens up and a conversation can now begin.  This is the world we live in these days ladies and gentleman, and I can assure you I know exactly who is primarily going to be showing up on this app the most.  People like…

One Night Stands

Let’s just get it out there first and foremost.  People are running through Tinder as a way to close out their Friday and Saturday nights without much effort.  Why work at meeting someone by buying them drinks and trying to dance with them in order to get them home, when Tinder is there to just cast your bait out into the vast pool.  This way all you have to do is get drunk with your crew and then just profess your love for every single person Tinder has to offer by tapping the green heart button until your finger breaks.


The modern minstrel.

A semi-anonymous way to drunkenly throw out desperate, “Yourr the prettiest gi rl that I have seen ever.  Seriously!” texts in order to snag a drunken hookup?  Yeah, no one would ever think to use an app created with the purest intentions in such a way.  Our society is motivated by one thing and will destroy everything pure in half the time it took to create it, in order to reach an end goal of ass.  Anyone that believes that Tinder would be strictly for dating is also the person that thought SnapChat was made for anything but the bulk distribution of dicktures.


The Ghost of Purity’s past.

Couple Contests

Most couples are competitive when it comes to a lot of things and at least once in every relationship it comes up as a topic of conversation that someone settled for the other person.  Whether it be a joke or an all out fight, what better way to prove who still has “it” better than the other person than a Tinder contest of course.  A friendly competition between lovers to decide who still has more game could not possibly end poorly, could it?


Another win for divorce lawyers.

Yes.  Yes it can.  Because at the end of the day, something is going to happen and someone is going to get hurt.  Couples, I advise you to leave this childish game to the rest of us to play amongst ourselves and shield yourselves from our ways to fill our emptiness with competition.  Besides, the last thing we need is you assholes taking away the much needed attention off of ourselves.  Go back to your date nights and happiness and leave the Tinder shame spiral to the rest of us.  And stop looking at us like that.  Trust me we already know.


I’m a monster!

Chris Hanson

In case you were wondering, yes there are people on Tinder that are listed as under 18 and I have to think that roughly 41% of those accounts filter back to Chris Hansen’s Gmail.  Chris is a tricky man who is hell-bent on getting his show back on the air.  This new app opens the world up for the show to be reborn to capture a whole new kind of target.  After all, if Punk’d can find its way back onto the air after a time away, To Catch A Predator: Shiver Me Tinder absolutely has to have a market


Have a seat over tharr.

But seriously, that is fucked up Tinder.  Quit bringing down the vibe with your underage asshattery and leave it to the old, cold, and lonely.  If you keep funneling this type of clientele into your user pool, then you will continue to attract another certain type of user.  After all, there is a certain person who hears about 16 year olds hanging out and comes running every single time.


I was in love with adults before they were adults.

Your Soul Mate

Call me a hopeless romantic, but I will be damned if I do not believe that the love of my life is looking for me right now with a finger hovering over that green heart.  Ok, so maybe that sounds more desperate than romantic.  Shut up.

You just watch and see, the best man at my wedding is going to talk all about how it was love at first green heart and we Tindered happily ever after off into the sunset.  Laugh all you will, but I aspire to be the Tinder version of the cover couple that advertised how and when they found love.  But really, is it that much worse than the bar game some people are throwing out there?


Hey there girl.  I would green heart the shit out of you.

Admit it, you know you are now intrigued.  So what are you waiting for?  Your future could be just a click away.  Whatever your reason may be you just have to remember the most important thing right now.  Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and desperation is in the air.  At worst, you can brag that you have more matches than your friends.  This is the world of courting we now live in, so get out there and cast your net, dear friends.


Godspeed you beautiful Tindering bastards.

2 comments on “The 4 People You Will Find On Tinder

  1. rebecca2000
    February 6, 2013


  2. Pingback: What To Expect When Your Friends Are Expecting | Musings of the Certifiable

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This entry was posted on February 6, 2013 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , .

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I am a 28 year old recovering optimist who calls Chicago home. Your mom would like me.

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