Musings of the Certifiable

Where intelligence gives way to madness.

4 People Who are Unaware That They are Pissing You Off

When looking at how human beings act as a whole, it is a downright miracle that we haven’t murdered ourselves into extinction by now.  We tend to be shallow, self centered pricks with a penchant for douchebaggery and when this lethal concoction is forced to interact with itself in the form of another person, tensions run high.

Most people can understand when a jerk pisses us off, and we get over the things we can understand pretty quickly, but it is the person that is oblivious to the fact that they make us want to end their existence that truly get under our skin.  Not all of these diseases have cures, but damn it do we wish murder were legal when it comes to these people.

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I trust you to do the right thing.

Teachers Headed Back to Work

We all know that feeling.  The work grind has got you down and you finally get some much deserved time off.  As the end of the vacation approaches, we all feel reluctant to go back to work and most people will let others know of their dismay in having to head back to reality.  Teachers are no different.

Near the end of each August the teachers among us start ramping up for another year of dealing with the little Hell raisers society has dumped upon them by the bucketsful like a category five hurricane.  So as the teacher walks in the first day they decide to share their disappointment with the social media world and they throw a simple, “I already miss the Summer!” message.  Then off they go with their day like nothing is the matter.

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Let the education resume.

The rest of the world reads this simple message and immediately ponders whether or not life in prison is worth letting all of the rage out in one massive, hate filled rampage.  The nine to fivers out there read this message and think to themselves that they haven’t had that much time off in the first eight years in the working world combined and this dickhole is going to complain about the end of an annual three month vacation?  This is when things start to escalate mentally.  You start to build up an argument in your mind of all of the things now that teachers get that you don’t.  How many holidays do I get off in between New Year’s Day and Memorial Day?  Zero fucking free vacation days.  This is a dry spell so long that Tim Tebow would even cave in.

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Cast that purity ring back into the fires from which it came.

So next time August rolls around, my dearest teacher friends, always remember to think first.  Not all of us get three months off.  And a Christmas Break.  And a Thanksgiving Break.  And a Spring Break.  And Pulaski Day.  And MLK Day.  And George Washington’s Birthday.  And President’s Day.  Fuck.

People on Bikes

There are a lot of reasons why someone would take up biking.  Perhaps you want to shed a few pounds and get some exercise.  Maybe you want to do the right thing for the environment and limit fossil fuel usage.  You could even be a youngster delivering the news of the day to nearby doorsteps, at which point I should really apologize for expanding your vocabulary.  Whatever the reason for your love of the manual powered two wheeler, know that you are despised.

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Sweet justice is served.

The problem with people on bikes is that they think they are both pedestrians and vehicles.  What that means to the rest of the world is that you piss everyone off.  If I am driving, you make it a point to go your 13 miles per hour and clogging up the road because you have as much rights as I do to the road.  Fine, I will wait to go around you when all I want to do is run straight through you and have you realize how miserable your choice of vehicle has made me.

Then you decide that at a red light at an intersection you’ve now become a pedestrian like the rest of us.  I nearly get hit crossing the street because, as a pedestrian, you get to go first whenever you wish.  It does not matter when or how I interact with you and your bike, I just wish that you would flip the son of a bitch and knock out your two front teeth.

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Let that serve as a lesson to you.

People Giving Out Unsolicited Advice

A support system is necessary in order to survive in this world, and in these times we turn to the people we trust in order to help us through.  Every so often though, we will be telling our issues out loud and not really looking for a response.  That is when our friend, the know it all, decides to step in.  They will kindly throw in their two cents on how they would solve our seemingly simple problem.  This is all done with your best interest in mind and they truly believe they are helping to solve your problems.

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Oh in that case… eat a whole bag of dicks.

Trust me, I understand all too well that people can be reserved and need people to penetrate the walls we put up so that we can make some headway in solving what is ailing us.  That is when a good friend steps in and takes us out for a beer to have it out.  What we don’t need is someone forcing answers into situations that are completely unnecessary.  Tell you what, I can get to the desired location without your secret shortcut every time.  You say you have a great new way to tie your shoes?  Funny, I’ve been doing just fine on my own for years, please teach me your ways of the shoelace you learned from the monks.

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More impressive since they wear sandals.

Basically the point is, shut up before you get yourself thrown into oncoming traffic.

Anyone on Public Transportation… Ever

Public transportation is a very convenient and cheap method of getting where you need to go.  That is exactly where the positives end.  The rest of the entire trip is trying desperately to avoid getting felt up because it was so important for that 148th person to get onto the train car instead of waiting for the one that is coming in three minutes.

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All aboard.

Now that we are all bouncing around giving each other lap dances at 7:30 AM, I really am looking forward to listening to your music blasting over the sound of my own.  Please, keep blasting your Lil Wayne so loudly that it gets to the point where I truly consider exiting the car just so I can jump in front of the train to end the misery.  You are what gets me through the Monday morning commute new friend.

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End yourself.

After work, all I want to do is get my ass home and away from people.  I have dealt with people’s assholery all day and just want some quality me time in and all that is standing in my way is the commute home.  By a stroke of luck, the car I’m in is not crowded and I am standing in the back hanging out.  Who is the only person that can make this twenty minutes into six hours of the worst hell I can imagine?  Oh yes, you again my old friend, the way too loud phone talker.  I do appreciate the Jerry Springeresque conversation you are having about how your boyfriend is a two timing bastard, but really, it makes me hope the train crashes just to have this conversation end.

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Oh, how I welcome the sweet release.

It’s public transportation friends, shut your wordhole and at least tip me after the lap dance.  I’ve got rent to pay.

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This entry was posted on August 21, 2012 by in Annoyances and tagged , , , , , , .

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Geoff

Geoff

I am a 28 year old recovering optimist who calls Chicago home. Your mom would like me.

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